A Twenty-something Mess
The
relationship between parent and child has been changing since the dawn of time,
but one thing that will never change is that children grow up. Physically our
bodies become ready for adulthood in our teens, and along with that our minds
start to learn to make decisions on our own about that same time. However, in
current culture we have trended toward a period of “finding yourself” in the
late teen years and throughout our twenties, and during that time a lot of
young adults stay dependent on their parents in some way. In
American culture, staying dependent on parents in early adulthood is deemed socially
acceptable, even normal, because more and more people are trending towards
starting their careers, marriages, and lives later and later in life and
depending upon parents makes that significantly easier. For the young
adults who remain significantly dependent upon their parents through college,
or through a time of self-discovery, this becomes a difficult task. One of the
cliché phrases we know parents to say is, “As long as you live under my roof
you will abide by my rules!” In the Declaration of Independence it is said, “We
hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they
are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, among which are
life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, that to secure these rights,
governments are instituted among men.” Often times these rights are lost to a
young adult who remains dependent on their parents, especially those who are
raised in a strict religious, specifically Christian, household. Should
that dependency give Christian parents the right to push their own beliefs as
ultimate truth without allowing for question or even complete disagreement and inflict
the strict rules and discipline that usually come along with those beliefs? In
attempt to discover what rights Christian parents have in regards to supporting
adult children we will discuss: what is responsible for the tendency for young
adults to take a time of self-discovery in their twenties, the roll of a parent
of an adult child, the effects of supporting adult children on parents, the
effects of a parent-child relationship on adult children, and what the Bible
says about raising children in a Christian home.
Jean
M. Twenge, a professor of Psychology at San Diego State University and author
of Generation Me: Why Today’s Young
Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled, -- And More Miserable Than
Ever Before, compares a group of psychologist’s study of mothers in
Muncie, Indiana in 1924 with the same study conducted in 1988. When they asked
mothers what traits they wished their children to have in 1924, they answered
that they wanted good manners, loyalty to the church, and complete obedience
from their children. On the contrary, in 1988, mothers said that they wished
their children to be independent and tolerant (Twenge, 24).
Twenge later observes that as children, today’s young adults have been
taught to think that they are special. They are surrounded by a selfish culture
that teaches them that no one will love them until they love themselves, so
they put themselves first (Twenge, 44-46). This shift is
likely to be what started the trend towards a “finding yourself” period in
early adulthood. According to the article of research team members of
the Australian Institute of Family Studies: Suzanne
Vassallo, Diana Smart, and Rhys Price-Robertson, “The
proportion of adults in their twenties living with their parents rose from 21%
in 1976 to 30% in 2001… Explanations for this trend focus on the increasing
number of young people pursuing higher education; a decline in the availability
of low-skilled but well-paid jobs for school leavers; financial pressures; and
the convenience and enjoyment of living within the parental home,”
(Vassello, Smart, and Price-Robertson, 8). Christine Millard, also a research team member of the
Australian Institute of Family Studies, agrees in her article, “Later Life
Parents Helping Adult Children,” when she recalls a
study by the ABS Family Survey. Millard asserts that 43% of adult children ages
20-24 live with parents, as well as, 12 percent of adult children ages 25-29
(Millard, 40).
The
push in self-esteem from parents in the last generation has inspired today’s
young adults, who alone aren’t fully capable of reaching the goals they have
set for themselves, to cling to their parents for support until they reach
these over-zealous goals. The illusion that parents and teachers give
young children that everyone is special is creating and epidemic of selfish,
mooching monsters. Look at the term, “everyone is special.” The definition of
special is unusual, better, or set apart. For that reason, it is impossible for
every child on the planet to be special. Yet, Children
are raised to think the sky is the limit! If children work hard enough, they can
do whatever they want with their life, but how can this be true? Does anyone
dream of being a garbage man or a plumber when they are little? How, then, do
trash bags get collected and drains unclogged? The answer in simple, children cannot
always be whoever and whatever they want because there are dirty jobs that
someone has to do. Hence, what the adult children of today were told growing up
is unrealistic and untrue. If they knew the truth about what they were capable
of all along, adult children could have been be happier with the lives they
have instead of wasting time chasing nearly impossible dreams and then
unhappily settling. Those young adults who cannot handle a full time college
career or acquire the financing to pay for college would simply learn a trade
and start their life. Instead, young adults move in with their parents and
impractically go to college anyway. It seems that twenty-something years ago
the legitimate role of a parent was forsaken, leaving a twenty-something mess of
self-centered adult children.
There
are many studies and opinions concerning the actual role of a parent. Professor
of Gerontology and Family Studies, Rosemary Blieszer and Professor of Child and
Family Development, Jay A. Mancini mentioned the Rossi scheme for analyzing the
development of parenthood. Rossi claims that there are four stages to any
development: training stage, adjustment stage, plateau stage, and disengagement
stage. However, Parenthood is unique because of its “fewer opportunities for anticipatory
socialization and gradual assumption of responsibilities.” (Blieszer and
Mancini, 177). In other words, developing into a parent is unlike any other
kind of development because one cannot easily stop being a parent simply
because they are unsatisfied.
In
a study by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, 630 parents were
asked how much of financial, practical, and emotional aid they gave their adult
children. The results seemed to indicate that the least common type of help
given was financial, followed by practical, leaving the most common type to be
emotional (Millard, 39). However, “…help was more likely
to be given to a co-resident child. While there were no differences in levels
of emotional support, a greater proportion gave financial assistance to
resident children than to non-resident ones. More parents also gave practical
aid to resident children than to non-resident ones,” (Millard, 40). Vassello,
Smart, and Price-Robertson go a little deeper when explaining the findings of
their own study emphasizing that most parents think it is their roll to pass
their beliefs and values onto their adult children, take care of them if they
are ill, as well as give them advice of various forms. Likewise, most parents
do not believe it is their role to provide food, clothes, and other necessities
for their adult children provide help with everyday chores (Vassello, Smart, and
Price-Robertson, 10).
“In the early
years, parents nurture, support and guide their children’s development. As young
people move through adolescence into adulthood, the nature of this relationship
typically changes; moving from a dependent relationship between a parent and a
child, to a more equal, mutually supportive relationship between two adults.
Underpinning this change is a shift in the way parents and young people view
each other. Ideally, parents learn to accept that their son or daughter is no
longer a child, but an autonomous individual,” (Vassello,
Smart, and Price-Robertson, 8).
This change of view is becoming more difficult to achieve with the cohabitation
trend growing and can create hostility in that parent-child relationship.
With
“tough love” ceasing to exist, young adults are behind in their development,
which puts parents behind in their development as well. When parents are ready
to let them go, child are not nearly ready to be on their own, therefore the
parents are forced to continue raising their adult children until they are. Fortunately,
Blieszer and Mancini found that parents simply want affection, respect, and
honest communication from their adult children. They also suggest that most
parents of adult children do not rely on their children for identity and
entertainment (178). Vassello, Smart, and Price-Robertson
also detect that parents who co-reside with their adult children are likely continue
the parenting relationship that they had throughout that child’s life (14).
Therefore, when adult children remain at home in their twenties there is little
effect on the parents simply because they maintain the relationship that they
are used to.
The
effects of parent-child cohabitation on young adults are unfortunately more
substantial. In a case study preformed by professors of Psychology: William T.
Dalton III, Donna Frick-Horbury, and Katherine M. Kitmann discovered that young
adults who claimed to be satisfied with the parenting they experienced growing
up reported to have better current relationships with parents and a romantic
partner, and had more faith in their ability to form close relationships with
others (13). This seems to demand parental responsibility for the state of
future relationships for their children. Sociology professor at the University
of Alabama at Birmingham, Belinda L. Needham agrees (895), but also takes it a
step further alleging that likelihood of depression later is an adult child’s
life is directly associated with the presence, or lack there of, of parental
support (900). Freek Bucx, Quinten
Raaijmakers, and Frits Van Wel
of the Department of Interdisciplinary Social Sciences of Utrecht University
observe, “Young people who live with parents may have more frequent
interactions with their parents, increasing opportunities for mutual influence.”
Agreeably, Professors of Communication Studies: Paul Schrodt, Andrew M.
Ledbetter, and Jennifer K. Ohrt continue that theory, articulating that
positive conformity influence of a parent onto a young adult is directly
connected with high resiliency in situations with other people, (42). The
findings of these experts stress the influence a parent has on a child’s
ability to handle future situations. Parent child relationships are directly
related to the ability to form healthy relationships, the state of mental
health, education and belief about morality, as well as the ability to stand
firm to their beliefs if they are questioned. Basically, the quality of a
child’s life is in their parent’s hands, and the longer they cohabitate the
more influence they have.
The
problem is the legal and social norm is that children become adults at age 18.
With the prolonged development of these adolescents, they are still behaving as
children and depending on their parents as children do, but the world is
telling them that they are adults. For that reason, the parent-child
relationship can become hostile. Children who are told that they are adults do
not want to be treated like children and will lash out in protest. This makes a
period of self-discovery while living with their parents under strict Christian
influence potentially detrimental to the social, mental, and moral well being
of an adult child.
So,
what can be done? Obviously, parents cannot start throwing their adult children
out on the street! After all, it was the parents who unknowingly raised the
young adults to be in this situation in the first place. The only option, then,
is to re-establish the proper parent-child relationship. Biblically, the
expectation on parenting, as well as a child’s response to parenting is very
clear. Dave Redick, Minister of Highway 20 Church of Christ, wrote a powerful
sermon concerning the subject. He begins quoting Ephesians 6:1-4, “Children,
obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and
mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well
with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ Fathers, do not
exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord.” This is a two-sided commandment. One cannot happen
without the other.
“Honor
your father and mother,” which could be elaborated: respect your parents, take
what they have taught you to heart, and do not make a fool of them. Apparently,
when this was commanded there were no child rights; a father had power of life
and death over his children (Redick). Therefore, this commandment was for a
child’s own good and it came with the promise of a long life on the earth. With
proper parenting and at a certain maturity level, this will become a simple
task.
In
regards to parents, Redick describes, “Do not exasperate your children,” as
breaking a child’s spirit so that they give up trying to please him. Redick
continues by explaining how a father might do such a thing: failure to provide
discipline, failure to provide instruction, inflicting overly harsh discipline,
inconsistent discipline, anger motivated discipline, with-holding love as means
of discipline, hypocrisy, over protection, and criticism without encouragement.
Unfortunately,
father’s, especially within the church, struggle with many of these exasperating
tactics, which makes honoring their parents nearly impossible for a child,
adult or not. Only in the case of exasperation is an adult child enslaved by
parental dependence. The parents of “Christian” households are breaking the very
morals they long to protect. If this unproductive style of parenting were to
cease, the parent-child relationship should develop into a more equal and
mutually supportive one.
Still,
his does not mean children, adult or adolescent, should be allowed to
completely make decisions for themselves. Let us not forget the second half of
the command toward parents, “…instead, bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord.” Until a child is completely independent, they should
be given guidance in the training and instruction of the Lord. Joan
H. Liem, a professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Boston, seems
to agree,”… authoritative parenting helps shape emerging adults’ perceptions of
themselves as worthy and efficacious.”
Thus,
raising children with moral instruction is biblically commanded and personally beneficial,
however, the instruction needs to match the maturity level in order to avoid
exasperation. There is a delicate balance. Young adults will learn from making
mistakes, and require the freedom to make them just as much as guidance support.
For that reason, parents are required to give them that freedom in order to
achieve and maintain the relationship that facilitates a healthy existence for
their child in independent adulthood.
Works Cited
Blieszner,
Rosemary, and Jay A. Mancini. "Enduring Ties: Older Adults' Parental Role
And Responsibilities." Family
Relations 36.2 (1987): 176. Academic
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Bucx,
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Dalton
III, William T., Donna Frick-Horbury, and Katherine M. Kitzmann. "Young
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With Current Relationship Quality." Journal Of General Psychology
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In Young Adulthood: Examining The Mediating Roles Of Self-Development And Peer
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Redick, Dave.
"Fathers--Don't Exasperate Your Children." Preacher Study.
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Schrodt, Paul, Andrew M.
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Mediators Of Family Communication Patterns And Children's Mental
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Twenge, Jean M.
Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive,
Entitled, -- And More Miserable Than Ever Before. New York: Free Press,
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Suzanne, Diana Smart, and Rhys Price-Robertson. "The Roles That Parents
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