Hello Darlings! This Monday, I my weekly meeting about my Poland trip. This week we shared our testimonies because we have been asked to share them to the kids in Poland. Some of it I have probably already said in previous posts, but I wanted to share it anyway. So, for what it's worth, this is why I am a follower of Christ...
LOVE. In the United Sates, we use
the word all the time. ”I love ice cream.” “I love my dog.” “I love my
boyfriend.” “I love my family.” We use it so much I think it means next to
nothing anymore, when, really, it should be the strongest word in the English
language. I have a story to tell about a love that I can’t even fully
understand, but it changed my life, and if you let it, it could change yours.
When
you think of God, or Jesus, or Christians do you think of love? For most of my
life Christianity just meant rules, judgment, and hypocrisy. I was raised in a
Christian home and my parents were very strict. I knew God existed and I knew
he loved me. I have always believed that most of what my parents raised me to
believe was true, but as soon as I was able to think for myself I think I could
tell I didn’t believe in how they treat people who aren’t exactly like them or
don’t believe exactly as they do.
Nonetheless,
I accepted Christ as my savior was baptized when I was ten. I didn’t really
understand the commitment I was making at the time. In middle school, I met
three girls that shaped my beliefs a lot. We were inseparable through most of high school. They were my rocks.
They kept me out of trouble. They showed me how to love different kids of
people and accept them for who they are, but I didn’t have a relationship with
God.
When
I went to college, the four of us went our separate ways. I lost my rocks, and
I didn’t really know God, so the freedom that came with college brought out the
rebellion I had been harboring from being raised in a strict home. I broke
every rule that I could because it felt good, so why not? I wasn’t that bad,
compared to most people, and if there was a God then he would forgive me later,
right?
The whole time this was going on I
had old friends from church and from camp trying to tell me that what I was
doing was wrong, that God gave us rules to protect me because he loved me, not to make me miserable. I
didn’t believe them for a long time, but eventually one of these friends
actually got through to me. I met him at camp and hadn’t seen him in years, but
we have always been close because we keep in touch on the phone. He never gave
up on me. One night I was driving home from through a rough part
of town. I was lost and scared so I called him. I honestly don’t even remember
what we talked about, but that night something clicked and I understood.
I understood that God wanted the
best for me, and was always there for me. I knew that he had a plan for my
life, and how I was living wasn’t it. I realized what I was doing for the sake
of fun was pulling me away from my potential, making my future relationships
more difficult, and filling my mind with insecurity- not to mention it was
dangerous! With this new understanding, I have been trying to love God back to
the best of my ability. I rededicated my life to Christ and asked him to
forgive my past, and I believe he did and still does.
Unfortunately it doesn’t end there,
I found out quickly that just because God forgave me, doesn’t mean I won’t have
consequences here on this earth. I have trust issues that are very hard to get
passed, I have a lot of insecurities that will probably never go away, and I
will always carry my guilt. I have especially seen the toll that it has taken
on my relationships. I used to
date boys that I knew I didn’t have a future with on purpose, because I knew
how it would end so I couldn’t get hurt, I pretty much destroyed my
relationship with my dad during the times I was so rebellious, and I would
never let myself count on anyone because of how I had been hurt by the people I
shouldn’t have spent so much time with in the first place. But the thing I
struggled with most is letting him have control of my life so that I can
fulfill the purpose he created me for. John 10:10 says, “I have come so that
they might have life and have it to the full.” My life would be so much easier now
if I had listened all along.
Then, God put someone in my life that
changed it all. Because of him, I learned what type of man I should be looking
for and how I deserve to be treated, and that is no small feet. He was the
first man I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and we made
plans from the wedding, to our future home, to the rest of our lives. He was
kind, he loved God, he had an amazing family that welcomed me with open arms,
and he had a righteous group of friends. He invited me to his Bible study with
those friends and that study started to get my relationship with God moving in
the right direction, surrounded me with the kind of people that wanted that
for me, introduced me to a very close friend and accountability partner, and helped me continue to grow in Christ. Still, the real change didn’t
happen until he told me he didn’t want me anymore.
There is nothing like seeing the
future you wanted for yourself go up in flames. I was devastated. I did
everything I could think of to try to change his mind. When all my efforts
failed, I went to God. I was looking back in my prayer journal one night, and I
realized that this break up was an answer to a prayer of mine from months
earlier. I asked God to show me if I am meant to be with this man as soon as
his plan would allow, and whatever the answer was, to make me ok with it. As
soon as I saw that I truly was ok with it. I had peace knowing that God was
working in my life and he must have something better for me.
Also because of that peace, I was
finally able to know God and trust Him. I can see Him working in my life on a
daily basis and has opened my eyes to so many things. My passion has been
unconditional love since as far back as I can remember. I think that is what is
missing in most cases of modern Christianity, and it is definitely missing in
most marriages. He has given me the gifts of mercy, encouragement, and
shepherding so that unconditional love is something that comes easy to me. With
these gifts, He had finally shown me what my purpose is, which marriage counseling,
and he is constantly bringing people into my life that need to be shown that
unconditional love exists. He has also given me a desire to go out of my
comfort zone for Him. I had stopped going to the Bible study that had helped me
so much after the man that asked me there broke my heart, but because of my new
peace and trust in God, I was able to go back. It is also how I am going to Poland,
despite my fear of flying; how I was able to give up my credit cards and learn
to live on much less; how I decided to start trying to rebuild a relationship
with my dad; and how I was able to start let go of the guilt and insecurities I
was carrying from my past by letting God carry them instead.
Nonetheless, I still make mistakes.
I still fall away sometimes and try to do things on my own. Just because you
decide to follow Christ one day doesn’t mean that everything is always going to
be easy, in fact we are promised the opposite. John 16:33 says “In this world
you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!” Being a
follower of Christ isn’t easy, but what is so great about it is you don’t have
to do it alone. We have God! I now have comfort that when God looks at me, he
doesn’t see the mistakes that I have made, and when I call on him, he is there
to comfort me and take whatever burden I am carrying. I have comfort in the
fact that God loved me enough to send his son so I could be forgiven of my
past, even after all I did to spite him. This isn’t an “I love ice cream” kind
of love or even an “I love my family” kind of love. This love is an unfathomable,
unattainable unconditional, love that we don’t deserve or understand. I am
telling you all this so that if you want you can feel it too. Those who search for God will
find him, and they will have life and have it to the full.
After I shared a shorter version of this in my meeting on Monday someone said something very encouraging to me. I came in late and missed a few testimonies, one of the testimonies I missed was from A women I have always known because she is a friend of my parent's. She came up to me and told me that her testimony is very similar to mine. This shocked me because I have always looked up to her and her group of friends, and I never imagined any of them struggled like I have. It is so nice to know that someone like me, with my past, can have a long lasting, happy marriage, be an incredible mom and grandmother, and be a role model in the church. But that's not the encouraging part. After she told me she has a past like mine, she told me that she has been there my whole life, and recently she has noticed that I have changed and that God is working in my life. That was so good to hear.
So, those of you who think you are the only one who has struggled with what you struggle with, you are wrong. Those of you who think you have done too much to deserve God's grace, you are wrong. Those of you who think you are too stained to do great things for God, you are wrong. And those of you who think God can't drastically and noticeably change your life, you are wrong. But don't take my word for it, see for yourself.
With enough love until next time,
Jenny
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